A few things
Random thoughts been driftin through my mind...
A long time ago, I tried over and over again to get a friend of mine to rekindle her friendship w/ a mutual friend of ours. They had a riff and both were too stubborn to apologize to one another and even at this point, they have yet to fix what once was a great friendship. Everytime I told my friend to go and apologize (because she was more at fault on this issue... if not completely at fault), she kept telling me: "Why should I go back to get kicked in the face? If I try to apologize once and get rejected, I'm not going to go back for more." Part of me kept saying, well if the friendship is worth it, you'll keep trying. Sometimes you have to try a few times, ya know what I mean? In the same respect, if you want to apologize someone and they continually push you away and reject you, why put yourself through it? Just give up on them already because they're obviously not mature enough to get over it, either, right?
Well, analyzing a relationship I have with my brother, I feel like the biggest idiot. I always go to him, trying to be the best sister possible, placing him first. I've always had the family first mentality, but my parents always told me, your brother will be the only one you have when you grow up and we die, you guys should be sure that you are close, so I have placed my brother ahead of everyone, including my parents. When something happens, I tell him first. When I won $2000 from IKEA & a bedroom set, I gave him nearly everything. When he got a free gift card from Best Buy & I was about to buy a new camera, he gave the gift card to his girlfriend who within a month fucked another guy, broke my brother's heart and kept the gift card. I promptly bought a ticket to fly out to CA to take care of my brother and make sure he was OK. I was there for him through it all. When I was younger, he used to "punish" me when I got him presents that he didn't want... (if I got him a gift card, it was a bad present because "you don't put thought into gift cards" or when it was a CD it wasn't expensive enough or when I made him something from the heart, I was being cheap) so he would take the present he was originally going to give me and give it to my little cousin. It's not like his presents to me were ever that glamorous... there have been stuffed animals, the Jewel Cd (he burnt a copy of it for me and wrote my name on it... my cousin still owns it to this day), used VHS movies from blockbuster, mini body sprays (valued at $4.50/bottle), and Magic cards--that I never wanted, but he just kept for himself. It was all really immature of him, but now, for some reason, I still get him the nicest gifts for his birthday when he doesn't get me anything. I feel pressured to spend tons of money on him getting him the nicest present every year for Christmas or his birthday. For graduation, he bought me a stuffed animal (not like I expected any graduation presents anyway) but then, when my little cousin graduated, she got an iPod from my brother... WTF?!?! My parents wouldn't even buy me an iPod for graduation. This past year for my 20th birthday, I got nothing from my entire family. It wasn't until Christmas that they all tried to make it up to me... my brother, mom & dad decided, let's get Linda what she wants, an iPod. So as a combo gift (birthday + christmas) I got an iPod. It was nice that they got me an iPod, but when I look at this, I'm like, what I got for Christmas & my 20th birthday (which is like the equivalent of sweet 16 or 21 for Chinese people) from my entire family, my little cousin got from my brother for graduation. Does that hardly seem fair? Not really. However, I was like, fine, whatever. Then, my brother complained about his birthday gift ($1000 shopping spree). Can we say, UNGRATEFUL!?!? Then along with this weird materialistic relationship we have, we've got this odd competitiveness between us. When I got into Yale, he only said, what a mistake, why the hell would they let you in? Even to this day, he still says I'm too dumb to go to Yale and I shouldn't have gotten in. Because of him, I am constantly questioning my abilities and doubting myself when I am surrounded by other Yalies. I feel incompetant and 20 yrs w/ my brother has taken a large toll on my self esteem. Never has he told me that I'm smart or talented. Whenever I win something, it's "dumb luck." When I made the national soccer team, he said "It was a scam." When I made the sports teams at school, he said that our school sports teams sucked... which I'll admit, they weren't that great, but not anyone can make the team and not everyone is captain. When I got elected student body president, he said that I got lucky, I couldn't possibly be popular. Fine. Whatever. When I did well on my SAT's he said I got lucky and they were harder when he took them. When I got scholarships, he said it was because I was from NC, if we still lived in Chicago, I wouldn't have gotten any scholarships. Never has he said that I've deserved any of it... I just get damn lucky. Why he has the need to put me down, I'm not sure. Why he always places our relatives & his friends above his own sister, I'm still unsure. Why he can't seem to just be nice to me... well I dunno? Why I still put up with it and constantly try to buy his love & approval... only god knows.
However, after what seems like the millionth conversation with my parents about my brother's relationship with me, I have finally come to the conclusion... I'm not going to go back to get rejected again. If he's going to continually put me down and be cruel to me, then I'm not going to go back for more. What kind of idiot will take 20 yrs of this? My dad said to pity him because he's just jealous of me... he didn't get to go to Yale and he didn't get all these opportunities like playing soccer abroad, but my response: He didn't study hard, he didn't work, he played and was lazy. You reap the fruit of your labor. He didn't labor, his problem. I'm not going to pity him for not working hard. I may sound like a cruel person, because I'm the type of person that doesn't think we should continually push money to people who don't work hard and are just a drain on society, but I honestly think if you don't work for it, then it's your problem. If you put forth an honest effort and still fall short, then I'll support you for what it's worth, but if you sit on your ass and then get angry when someone who has worked hard, pushed themselves as hard as possible and are finally reaping the benefits, you're just a lazy punk that's just getting what you deserve. I don't think the society should punish people for their efforts and then reward laziness. What kind of lesson is that teaching? Work hard and then let your hard work go towards supporting that idiot who didn't bother trying because he knew he didn't need to because society would help him? Psh.
OK... I'm totally going way off on a tangent, but either way... those are my thoughts of the night. Cruel, cold, but honest.
~me
A long time ago, I tried over and over again to get a friend of mine to rekindle her friendship w/ a mutual friend of ours. They had a riff and both were too stubborn to apologize to one another and even at this point, they have yet to fix what once was a great friendship. Everytime I told my friend to go and apologize (because she was more at fault on this issue... if not completely at fault), she kept telling me: "Why should I go back to get kicked in the face? If I try to apologize once and get rejected, I'm not going to go back for more." Part of me kept saying, well if the friendship is worth it, you'll keep trying. Sometimes you have to try a few times, ya know what I mean? In the same respect, if you want to apologize someone and they continually push you away and reject you, why put yourself through it? Just give up on them already because they're obviously not mature enough to get over it, either, right?
Well, analyzing a relationship I have with my brother, I feel like the biggest idiot. I always go to him, trying to be the best sister possible, placing him first. I've always had the family first mentality, but my parents always told me, your brother will be the only one you have when you grow up and we die, you guys should be sure that you are close, so I have placed my brother ahead of everyone, including my parents. When something happens, I tell him first. When I won $2000 from IKEA & a bedroom set, I gave him nearly everything. When he got a free gift card from Best Buy & I was about to buy a new camera, he gave the gift card to his girlfriend who within a month fucked another guy, broke my brother's heart and kept the gift card. I promptly bought a ticket to fly out to CA to take care of my brother and make sure he was OK. I was there for him through it all. When I was younger, he used to "punish" me when I got him presents that he didn't want... (if I got him a gift card, it was a bad present because "you don't put thought into gift cards" or when it was a CD it wasn't expensive enough or when I made him something from the heart, I was being cheap) so he would take the present he was originally going to give me and give it to my little cousin. It's not like his presents to me were ever that glamorous... there have been stuffed animals, the Jewel Cd (he burnt a copy of it for me and wrote my name on it... my cousin still owns it to this day), used VHS movies from blockbuster, mini body sprays (valued at $4.50/bottle), and Magic cards--that I never wanted, but he just kept for himself. It was all really immature of him, but now, for some reason, I still get him the nicest gifts for his birthday when he doesn't get me anything. I feel pressured to spend tons of money on him getting him the nicest present every year for Christmas or his birthday. For graduation, he bought me a stuffed animal (not like I expected any graduation presents anyway) but then, when my little cousin graduated, she got an iPod from my brother... WTF?!?! My parents wouldn't even buy me an iPod for graduation. This past year for my 20th birthday, I got nothing from my entire family. It wasn't until Christmas that they all tried to make it up to me... my brother, mom & dad decided, let's get Linda what she wants, an iPod. So as a combo gift (birthday + christmas) I got an iPod. It was nice that they got me an iPod, but when I look at this, I'm like, what I got for Christmas & my 20th birthday (which is like the equivalent of sweet 16 or 21 for Chinese people) from my entire family, my little cousin got from my brother for graduation. Does that hardly seem fair? Not really. However, I was like, fine, whatever. Then, my brother complained about his birthday gift ($1000 shopping spree). Can we say, UNGRATEFUL!?!? Then along with this weird materialistic relationship we have, we've got this odd competitiveness between us. When I got into Yale, he only said, what a mistake, why the hell would they let you in? Even to this day, he still says I'm too dumb to go to Yale and I shouldn't have gotten in. Because of him, I am constantly questioning my abilities and doubting myself when I am surrounded by other Yalies. I feel incompetant and 20 yrs w/ my brother has taken a large toll on my self esteem. Never has he told me that I'm smart or talented. Whenever I win something, it's "dumb luck." When I made the national soccer team, he said "It was a scam." When I made the sports teams at school, he said that our school sports teams sucked... which I'll admit, they weren't that great, but not anyone can make the team and not everyone is captain. When I got elected student body president, he said that I got lucky, I couldn't possibly be popular. Fine. Whatever. When I did well on my SAT's he said I got lucky and they were harder when he took them. When I got scholarships, he said it was because I was from NC, if we still lived in Chicago, I wouldn't have gotten any scholarships. Never has he said that I've deserved any of it... I just get damn lucky. Why he has the need to put me down, I'm not sure. Why he always places our relatives & his friends above his own sister, I'm still unsure. Why he can't seem to just be nice to me... well I dunno? Why I still put up with it and constantly try to buy his love & approval... only god knows.
However, after what seems like the millionth conversation with my parents about my brother's relationship with me, I have finally come to the conclusion... I'm not going to go back to get rejected again. If he's going to continually put me down and be cruel to me, then I'm not going to go back for more. What kind of idiot will take 20 yrs of this? My dad said to pity him because he's just jealous of me... he didn't get to go to Yale and he didn't get all these opportunities like playing soccer abroad, but my response: He didn't study hard, he didn't work, he played and was lazy. You reap the fruit of your labor. He didn't labor, his problem. I'm not going to pity him for not working hard. I may sound like a cruel person, because I'm the type of person that doesn't think we should continually push money to people who don't work hard and are just a drain on society, but I honestly think if you don't work for it, then it's your problem. If you put forth an honest effort and still fall short, then I'll support you for what it's worth, but if you sit on your ass and then get angry when someone who has worked hard, pushed themselves as hard as possible and are finally reaping the benefits, you're just a lazy punk that's just getting what you deserve. I don't think the society should punish people for their efforts and then reward laziness. What kind of lesson is that teaching? Work hard and then let your hard work go towards supporting that idiot who didn't bother trying because he knew he didn't need to because society would help him? Psh.
OK... I'm totally going way off on a tangent, but either way... those are my thoughts of the night. Cruel, cold, but honest.
~me
